Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Bleak Was the

   Fear, doubt, and the muffled whispers in my head. Insecurities, a nomadic mind that wanders to the deepest and darkest places, and a fear of looking in the mirror. Her reflection showed a girl so afraid and disgusted by her own shadow. She felt unworthy to be in anyone’s presence. If someone was to get close to her she would question their motives, and although they came with care and love in their hearts,  she refused to believe it. 
I saw myself as a walking vacuum that sucked joy and comfort out of those I encounter. I saw myself as depressed, mentally unstable, dirty, and of lesser value than every one around me. I felt my nature was to ruin and complicate the lives of the braves souls who wanted to be near me. God blessed me with a handful of people who were determined to break through the fortress I built around myself. With each break, I fought back. No one could see the real me; it was protection for them, but in a way I was protecting myself. 
You say there’s a light in me. You say you see goodness in my smile. I say you must open your eyes, because clearly you are viewing a persona I have created. You smile with love and light; you won’t give up. So, I begin to open up, and my frail skin is finally exposed to the sun’s warming rays. This happiness is foreign; therefore, it must be a trick. The inevitable is coming, so I might as well have the last laugh. As if someone has flipped a switch, my disposition immediately changes. I don’t want to pull away from you. I want you to love me. I want you to fix me. Please fix me.  The dam is broken and my heart spills out in desperate screams. The flood is too much to handle, and my subconscious has won again. I have pushed them out of my life. As they run away, they take with them a precious piece of this broken heart. I don’t know what is harder: building up my fortress or tearing down its walls.
Those self-inflicted labels became my identity. I took pity with me as I crawled through life. However, something truly miraculous happened. When I accepted Jesus into my life, the old me had died. 

2 Corinthians 5:16-18New International Version (NIV)
16 So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.

The insecure girl was buried with Christ, and when He rose from the dead, so did my true spirt. I don’t have to feel inadequate anymore. I am now a warrior. I am now God’s princess. I am now a total badass. I have dark times like this bleak night when the creatures whisper in my ear and begin to fill my atmosphere with black smog. I begin to slowly fall back into my old ways, and the bricks begin to stack, but then I feel a light grow inside me. As it swells, the light blows the bricks to pieces. I am Kaitlin who shines without the clouds of her past suffocating her. He never lets me forget that!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Unfathomable Beauty

I sit here in awe of Jesus. Two years ago I thought I accepted Jesus Christ, and while I allowed Him to dabble in my heart, anger would soon push Him out. I held malice in my heart, and I turned my back on God. I screamed at God, I hated His word, I didn't understand His son, I cut my wrists, and I abused my medicine. I felt as if He abandon me and left me to rot in this place of suffering.
       As I clawed my way out from underneath the shadows of my past I felt a piece of my soul missing. I "crossed the finish line, so to speak. Shouldn't I feel victorious? Instead, I felt depressed and painstakingly lonely. The cancer of the past was finally cut out, but now I was left with a inflamed and aching hole. A hole that would soon puss up and consume itself. As the winds of life blew through my soul, it would smash into my sides, and my soul would cry out in pain. My only refuge was the idea of a boyfriend. Someone to hold me at night. I needed a set of loving arms to engulf me as the pain melted away. Not only did I long for it, I felt as if I needed it. The desire grew to great and drove my to a place of nomadic ways. I found myself searching, and each time I caught a glimpse of the light the bitter wind knocked me down.
     I gave my heart to these supposed knights. Each time I was rejected and walls fortified around me. I became closed off to life and numb to the world. I felt as if I couldn't breath unless he was by my side. As the summer days dragged on my harden heart still yearned. As the sun warmed my skin I feel into  my final trap. I was venerably exposed to the one I thought would take away my pain. In the matter of five hours I had given my restless heart away. As the night crept forward I could feel my insides slowly dying. Once again the dagger was driven through my heart.
    I ran away as fast as my little feet could take me. I collapsed on a bench and wept uncontrollably. I realized in that moment: I would never fall into a guy's arms until I fell into Jesus's loving arms. "How could He do this to me?" "How could I ever love someone who turned their back on me?" I sat there and thought of my previous relationship with Jesus. I tried so hard. I was a good little girl who rose with the sun and read my Bible. I went to church, and I went to Bible study. I sat and listening for Your voice, but all I could hear was the harsh wind impale my door. Never again would I be tricked by You.
       I woke up the next morning in physical pain; however, this pain was no where near the pain I felt inside. I felt my heart had officially died. I sat in silence and came to a devastating realization: I never truly accepted Jesus into my heart. I went through the steps, but I didn't truly give myself away. Because of the abuse I suffered, I wasn't prepared to give up any control I had. I needed to be control. I couldn't be submissive to Jesus. I felt like this was the end for me. I would never experience happiness.
     I reached out to him. We sat on a park bench. I was looking into the face of a young man who was glowing with Jesus's love. He smiled with radiance and cared without end. In that summer hour I finally gave my life to Jesus. As he was praying I felt Jesus pull at my heart. Sin filled my every pore, and tears began to fall from me. I had hurt God so badly. Every night after the abuse I would lie in bed crying. God sat by my bedside and stroke my hair. He cried for the suffering I was experiencing. The evils of this world stole my innocence and broke my heart. I was His little girl, but then I turned my back on Him. I used His name in vain and sliced His masterpiece. I starved, hated, and cut the beautiful girl He created. I cried out in pain and repentance. 
     So now I sit in true awe. Jesus brought this guy into my life to break my heart, but he knew this guy was His follower. He spoke through him and he lead me to accepting Jesus. 

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Depressed Girls Do it Best

The mirror can be a scary thing. It's the truth we shun day in and day out. God is my mirror. Never does he bullshit me. He is 100% real; however, it doesn't mean I like my reflection.
       Depression distorts our view. If I could I would slug around the house with an army of blankets at hand and cover every last mirror. I hate who I have become. So strong I was, now so meek and mild. Worn out and sick of fighting. I guess we go through seasons of our lives and the sun has set on mine. Eager for it's return I wait. Clawing my way out of my past I look forward to my future. Light is blurred by the past and dream begins to dim. All I wanted to do was to be light and free. I wanted my soul to shine so brightly that light was provided for those around me.
        It's scary(this thing we call depression). Some believe in it while others are skeptics. Whether you believe or not, whether you take meds or not, whether you cut, drink, smoke, eat or whatever you do to escape the pain is real. You may not label it the way I do, but we depressed people wake up with the same feeling. It's as if someone is constantly pushing on our shoulders. Although the force may be lighter on some days then others, constantly supporting yourself can be tiring. I know I'm exhausted. I know I can no longer find the energy to smile and laugh. In all honesty, I'm pissed at God. Why is this taking so long? Why are you ignoring my prayers? Are you too good for me? Please Jesus I need you.
       You can't take on depression by yourself. That wall, that weight pressing on your being is strong. Alone you will crumble, but the loving and supportive hands of those around you victory is possible. Yes, I am fuming at this all too mighty King that is Jesus, but I know He is holding me though I cannot feel it. So as it was 6 months ago, the lights have dimmed and the darkness creeps in. The winter has arrived and I've seemed to be caught off guard. My pride has been thrown away. I need help and will accepting incoming support. God knows I need it.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Still Not Finsihed

Ding ding. Round 2 has officially began. I have been through 2 years of hell, but it’s not time to give my sigh of release quite yet. Am I done? I thought I had made it through everything but it seems like I haven’t.  My heart is still shattered into a million pieces. Will I rise to the occasion or fall to my knees and break? No one gives you a handbook on how to grow up. They especially don’t have a chapter in this longed for book on how to get over rape. One thing is for certain, I am doing this round on my own. 
I am nothing to my classmates and a pain in the ass to my mom. I thought after 6 months of intense, and by that I mean sleep losing, heart gripping, energy draining therapy, I’d be all better. So did everyone else. To their disappointment I still remain a hot mess. They’re still cuts on my wrist and tears in my eye. The monsters still remain in my head and the pain still resides in my heart. I guess pain has become a bitterly familiar friend. Like a drug addict, I would call this time my relapse. I have gone back into old ways and continue to be visited by the same nightmares. I’m not bionic women like others would believe. I am simply a fifteen year old girl trying to figure it all out. 
In all honesty I would have killed myself tonight if it wasn’t for God. I was looked at like a piece of trash. How can I blame her? I have been nothing but trouble and I hate myself for putting her through all of this pain. I am sorry mom. 
I have heard, “I don’t know how to deal with her anymore, 'It's not my job to get you to stop crying, “Stop crying, 'Don't keep continue to use the raping as an excuse. It’s time to move on, and others words which are branded into my mind. I am trying to move on, honestly. Do you think I like hating myself? I hate that I have become a shell of who I used to be. I hate that my mom is too exhausted by me to deal with me. I hate that I have become work to those I love. The only thing I can take comfort in is this round God is still on my team. As the world has turned their backs on me, He has not. I truly believe something is so very wrong with me. I know I have been a hot mess and it’s time to grow up. I am scared, but most importantly, I am scared of myself and my demonds inside. It just goes to show God’s love. He has seen my every bit. He knows me inside and out. He has seen me at my worst and at my best; however, he still loves me. That is what will pull me through. I am officially alone on this Earth, but I push forward with Him walking hand and hand with me. 

Monday, September 30, 2013

Finally Free From The Past

I can finally and fully say "It is finished." I took some time off blogging because the things I needed to work on were meant to be done in privacy. I grew, then broke, then grew, then broke. For the past few months there has been a war in my mind; an internal struggle which I could not go through alone. Jesus held my hand through the excruciating pain. Sexual abuse is a journey, much like life. Being raped is having someone murder your very being. To put you on a pedestal to be made a mockery. I lost myself and didn't know who I was. My life has been uprooted and thrown into the air. All I had to rely on was myself and Jesus. How can you rely on your strength and your core when you look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back at you? 14 years of abuse, a year of intense therapy, yet I still felt empty. The war in my mind proved to never cease.

Today is a day I will never forgot, and I genuinely mean that. I have felt utterly lost and depressed everyday of this past month. Nothing was making sense. I couldn't think, and the more blank and neutral I became the further I feel into my hole. Sitting in therapy my heart broke. I didn't know what to say because I had no idea what was going on. Why was my heart breaking in half? It was as if I could feel each tenant being ripped. I was hit with flashes of my life. This poor, little defenseless girl was being pinned to the ground and stripped of her purity. She was left home alone for hours. She didn't know love. That little was me; she never got a chance to grow up. As my life literally flashed before my eyes I began to cry. The weight of her grief, pain, and loneliness feel upon me. The 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, and 11 year old in me began to press on my heart. It was as if I was going to implode from all of the pressure and pain I felt. I felt Jesus grabbing each one by the hand and guiding them into Heaven. Finally, they were safe and perfectly loved. The only problem was I couldn't let go.

Who was I without my girls? Who was I without the pain? Without my past I felt like I was empty. I honestly saw Jesus bring my girls to safety, but the 5 year old Kaitlin I couldn't let go. She was so strong and she never knew she was loved. I had to let her know how loved she was. Once I realized she would always be a part of me I loosened my grip. She was a kid on Christmas, and as I released her she sprinted towards her present. She no longer had to suffer , relive her pain, or take care of me. Today I once and for all let go of the pain, hurt, and past. I am right back at the beginning now. See life like I said is a journey and you are never fully done. I am back at the beginning of the circle, but this time I am going with the wisdom of the past.

I was on autopilot for 14 years. Being raped almost everyday I disconnected from life; therefore, if you asked me about my best childhood memory I couldn't tell you. It's all a blur and pain is only remembered. God granted my 5 year old a clear voice. She reminded me just how special she was despite the abuse. At age 5 I got my first kiss, behind the book case in pre-K. I was a fire cracker and didn't take crap from anyone. I was light hearted and found the joy in everything. I was naive in a beautiful way; seeing the good in everyone and always focusing on the positive. I was gorgeous and infected people with my free spirit. That little girl left me with these memories and qualities. This is my core. I was lost but I know who I am, it just took a while to find.

Saying goodbye to the past is scary because that means you're starting something new. The unknown is terrifying, but I can take comfort in Jesus's hand holding mine. I experienced the most special feeling ever on this Earth. Today I went through my personal "cross to bare" or crucifix-cation. Leading up to it nothing made sense. I finally accepted it and allowed myself to break down. I felt my pain overwhelm me. Every square inch of my body felt weighed down, and my heart felt empty. My only option was to push through it. I had to sacrifice the warm, familiar blanket of comfort that was my past. I had to give up my girls. When it was all said and done and I surrendered, I have never felt so light. My past is finally gone. The darkness has been extinguished and like a huge war before a triumph I am tired but victorious. I thank God for this trial for it has made me that much closer to Him. I understand, to some degree, His suffering and I am so appreciative. I realize how hard it was for Him to go through that,but He did because He loves me.

I don't know what the future holds but I know it will be good because it is all in His name. I wouldn't take back a second of what has happened; because, it has all lead up to that moment today. I have never been happier or more light. I feel at one with God. I am Kaitlin, I am 15, and I not only survived sexual abuse but thrived thanks to God. I will continue to blog but not on this one. Considered my new blog a new chapter. It's still in the working progress and soon to come. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

My Last Blog Post; Thanks For Everything

There are some people who read my blog on the daily. And then they're some who just started or who read spastically. No matter when you matter thank you for taking this journey with me. I started blogging on February 24, 2013 and it is now August 2, 2013 and I will be signing out and moving on. It has been a crazy ride with more downs then ups. I have been interviewed by child services, I have been threatened for making this blog, I have been in the hospital for being suicidal, I've cut, I've cried but I am ready to move on.
I started as the girl with a laundry list of mental illnesses. Through time away from my father and intense therapy my illnesses were caused by the abuse and trauma I went through. I have been raped and ostratcized from my father's side of the family. Child services has taken this to a prosecutor and I wanted to take it to court. I wanted to see my father in jail. It's not fair a rapist should be walking around free and possibly hurting other people. It's not fair court can decide whether or not my truth and pain is "true enough". I was 5 and it stopped when I was 11. I didn't have a voice. I was the girl who cried alone while no one cared. I am dropping the case and sleeping well at night knowing God is the ultimate judge. My father's family might not believe me along with people who think this is all an act for attention but at the end of the day I know my truth.
People see me as a rape victim who is weak and weird. I started to believe them but not any more. My past doesn't define me but rather His love defines me. I am God's princess. I am done feeling sorry for myself, calling myself a loser, trying to loose weight to fit in, using this as an excuse, and crying in my room alone. The real Kait is fun, outgoing, goofy, smiley, beautiful, God loving, and has the world in her hands.
I hope through this blog I empowered at least one person to speak up against their abuse. I hope I comforted one person by letting them know they weren't alone. That was the original goal of this blog and although it became muddled along the way it stands true. I have learned so much and grown with God more then I ever thought. Never would I have thought this would be my life but I would not change a thing because it has made me the person I am today. This suffering brought me closer to my best friend and main man, Jesus. Who knows what the future holds but I know it will be damn good because God has a grand plan for me. All of this is in the past and it is time I move on. I am Kait and I am now longer a victim of rape but a survivor. Thanks for taking this journey with me and supporting me. It's been real

How This Blog Started & How I've Suffered Because Of It

I don't know who is reading and how many people actually read this. There are times when I feel I'm just talking to myself. I started this all for a reason. God pulled me to this, I took it, and ran. I don't blog for attention. I don't blog for people to feel bad for me. The one and only reason I do it is for people to know they aren't alone in mental illness, loneliness, and/or abuse.
This is has been really hard. Sharing my journey hasn't been easy. Because my life is on black and white for the whole world to see I'm judge. I'm "that girl" at highschool. I'm the girl that people whisper about as I walk by. People avoid me and I've been left with little to no friends in all honesty. I didn't choose to have this life. I didn't choose to be abused by my father yet everyone acts as if its my fault. High school has been hell. 
I blog because when I was from the age of 5-11 I was sexual abused and raped. While it was going on my mom was out of town. While it was going on my either turned his head along with the rest of my family. Fast forward to now they still turn their head. I never had a voice. I finally am standing up and speaking out. The reason I write is to allow others to speak out as well. I want to let anyone who is reading this, if anyone is, that you aren't alone, you're not a freak, and it isn't your fault. I hope me writing gives you the courage to have a voice as well.