I have been wearing a mask the entire week. On the outside I smile while on the inside I am dying. The past few days have been nothing but darkness. My mind races and my heart aches. I would cry myself to sleep everything night thinking the same thing. This depression is going to take me over.
I miss my dad, or rather the dad I thought I had. I never felt loved by him which has caused a struggle my whole life. A struggle of feeling unloved, empty, and alone. I had a huge void in my life and honestly I ran to boys to "fill" it. All it ever did was leave me broken hearted and hurting someone in the process. All I want to be loved by a man. All of my friends told me how much they loved me and how they are always there for me. I was blessed with a mom who hasn't left my side, but all I can focus on is the lack of a father. Honestly, I will never have a "normal" relationship with my dad that will take away all this pain. I thought that I could take the pain away with a boyfriend but I found that I couldn't. I thought that if I could get my ex to tell me he loved me again everything would be alight... but I knew that was a lie. With all of this in mind I went for a run in the park. Mind you I NEVER do this. I hate running but I felt like I had to that day. Also, I would have gone to the gym opposed to the park. So long story short this is rare and extremely odd for me to do this but I felt lead to.
As I was running I was crying out to God. I have had depression for 7 months now and 15 years of sheer pain. I felt like it was never going to end. I felt like I am not making any progress and I should just stop trying. Two amazing things happened. I asked God to fill my heart with love, knowing that only He could make me feel whole. I felt God literally holding my hand then I looked up and the sun shinned so brightly in my face. I felt God say, "I love you so much Kaitlin and I am so proud of how far you've come. Keep pushing beautiful for I will never leave you." I felt immediate peace. As if the wasn't enough something even crazier happened. Now I am a stranger to the park so I went from trail to trail mindlessly. What I saw as I picked a random trail with never leave me.
Before I tell you what happened you have to understand the back story. There was a time in November when I tried committing suicide and was emitted into the adolescent unit in the hospital. Honestly, only a few know this because I was embarrassed. Why should I be? Just because I went there doesn't make me crazy, it makes me broken and I went somewhere to get fixed. All the kids there were miracles because we were all alive and saved by a miracle.
Like I said I felt like I hadn't made any progress in my depression and just wanted to give up. I walked past a man who helped me in the hospital. I stopped and asked to make sure it was him and sure enough it was. This was God showing me my progress. I block out the whole "hospital" experience but He made me remember to show me how far I have come. I haven't tried to commit suicide every again and I have been so much more hopeful. The odds of me seeing this man are crazy low! That was truly God's work! I will never, ever give up. Yes I will have ups and downs but these downs make me stronger and closer to God.