Monday, April 29, 2013

Dealing With Abuse or a Dark Past

The past is painful. Being abused, in any way, is not only physical but emotionally scaring. I would lie if I said I wasn't terrified of my dad. I actually had a dream last night where I woke up and he was standing over my bed with this look in his eye. This look was all too familiar. It's the look of pure anger and haltered. I went through a time where I felt dirty, guilty, unloved, like a freak, and crazy because of the abuse. I felt like it was my fault. What guy would ever love a girl who has been sexually abused by her father? If my own father doesn't love me.... then who will.

The more time I spent with God the more these thoughts lessened. I learned on of the most important lessons. Your past doesn't define you. I am not Kaitlin the girl with depression, anxiety, and has been verbally, emotionally, and sexually abused. That's not me! My past doesn't define. No way in hell does it! I am Kaitlin... daughter of God, chosen by Him, and loved by Him. I am done letting this world and people's sins define me. I will overcome what has happened to me and be stronger because of it.

Being so venerable and making your entire life an open book to the world is scary. I don't do it for people to feel bad for me. I do it to show that if I can get through all of this, so can you. I want people to see despite all that has happened I can still smile because I have God in my life. Most importantly I want everyone to know I am here for them and there's hope.

First things first. Whether you were abused, cheated on, unloved by your family, or abounded it's not your fault. You are so beautiful. You are God's precious daughter who He loves so deeply and sees you as an amazing creation. Even before this Earth was created He thought of YOU. Growing up is hard in this corrupt world. People are lost and sick in the head. If you have read my previous blogs you know how much I have been through. How no one ever payed attention to me. How I was constantly called names and abused as my mother sat by terrified to speak up. My father neglect me and left me to go get drunk. All of these events can make you think you're the problem. When I used to cut I thought I deserved the pain. Well now I am 3 weeks clean and I smile when I look into the mirror. I don't see my past, my non perfect body, the zits on my face but rather a beautiful heart that is loved by a King and a bright future.

I will overcome all of this. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. This has opened my eyes and made me the strong, independent young women I am today.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Still Hung Up on Your Ex

I am mortified to say I still haven't moved on from my ex. I am holding on because I am scared. I went out with him for all the wrong reasons but that's beside the point. Most often I have great days where he  doesn't even cross my mind; however, there are days when the things get rough... I just mean brutal and all I want is for him to hug, but I know that will never happen. We are on terrible terms to say the least, and that's not changing so I need to accept it and move on. It's rather embarrassing when your ex is already going on dates while you still cry yourself to sleep. All around not good.

I need God to help me through this and this is what He told me:
-he is just ONE boy
-I already have your dream guy picked out for you and he is waiting to come into your life in my perfect timing
-He deserves to be happy just as much as you so instead of being jealous just smile because you know he is smiling
-This new girl will never be better then you because there will NEVER be a better you. She is beautiful and special in her own way, just like you
-Right now, with all the turmoil in your life, you can't have a guy in your life
-You are learning to be a strong, independent women who relies on Me, Your God, opposed to a boy

Hearing Him say that helped so much. In my personal, humble opinion boys are too immature at this age. I wanted someone who I could sit and talk with for hours. I wanted a guy who could easily sense my depression was taking over that day and would surprise me at my door with a box of trail mix and a kiss. I wanted a guy would take me to the art museum and sing with me until we lost our voices. That person is out there. He is a man not a boy, but I have to wait until God believes we are both ready.

Getting over an ex seems like mission impossible... specially when he moved on so darn quick. You feel like some loser but don't! Your dream guy is out there. Just be patient because God has a plan. Being single has actually been a blessing and we were meant to break up. I have learned so much, and now I know I can't be in a relationship until I can be happy with myself without anyone's approval or sweet talking. Us teenage girls are strong and don't need an immature boy who is just as confused as we are. As teenagers we are a hot mess. I was NEVER the perfect girlfriend. Heck, I became the crazy ex. One minute I loved him and the next I wanted to punch a wall. I am learning to enjoy my single life and I am finding myself more and more each day.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Lost, Scared, Abused Little Girl

All alone wondering why no one would pay attention to her. This was my childhood. Heck, this was my life. All I wanted was for someone to pay attention to me. I have been abused from the age of 7-13 in more ways then one. No one came to my rescue. My family was so sacred of my dad we all said nothing. I thought what I was going through was normal. I thought the things that happened to me was typical because that's all I ever knew. That little, neglected, and abused girl had someone on her side all along. I asked myself how I made it through all that I have. I have tried to commit suicide 7 times and each time I was saved. God was watching over me when I was cursing His name in anger. I NEVER had someone love me like that.

I ran to boys. No more like sprinted and jumped right into their arms. Why was I searching when I had God? I don't need a man, hell no! I think it's so amazing that God has surrounded me with the strongest women ever. My mother, vocal coach, consoler, teacher, and my best friend. I admire and aspire to have the strength these women possess. I am going through so much right now. I am no longer alone. I am no longer in danger. I am no longer invisible, but why do I still have panic attacks? It's the little girl in me crying out for help. See when I was younger crying wasn't aloud. I wasn't supposed to be a "drama queen" and just supposed to suck it up. My dad was and is a monster. See but it wasn't safe to verbalize that. I could never express my loneliness... well apparently I am making up for the lost tears.

I was numb through most of my childhood and went into autopilot or survival mode. I haven't properly thanked God for pulling me out of my own personal hell. Now I am left with huge wounds to heal. Every attack I am dealing with the past, getting stronger, and getting that much closer to recovery. Now I am left with scars to heal. That takes strength. Strength I don't have; therefore, I lean on God. Unlike most the people in my life He won't let me down and He will never leave. I am not perfect in any way and I am not as strong as everyone thinks. I am scarred. How many attacks do I still have to go through? What if I don't make it through them? What if my dad comes back into my life? I can't answer any of these because I don't know the future and put all my trust in God's hands.

See this little girl is stronger then she thinks. I was part of family where every single one of us is broken and hurting. I had the guts and the strength to break first and prove that someone was wrong with the way we are living. The little girl who no one payed attention to saved the family. I have revealed my dad's true colors. Abuse is scary and leaves us with physical and mental scars but you are strong! God has got you even when you feel like He doesn't. I am done asking "Why me?" and instead thanking Him. Through this time & experience I have found myself. I have grown in Christ. I have laughed, cried, and screamed. I have learned life lessons I will keep with me forever and I found my calling. I am going through this so someone else doesn't have to. I am opening an organization to help depressed teenagers find hope in God.

Every once and a while that little girl gets scared and feels all alone. I have to remind myself I am safe and loved. This little girl survived sexual & emotional abuse and she is stronger because of it.

Monday, April 22, 2013

The Suicidal Teenager Has Hope

Last night and today are days I will never forget. I have been put through hell. My panic attack started at 2 p.m. I started out by feeling alone and unloved, but then it escalated quickly. This was like unnatural how upset I got. Something came over me. I was having an internal battle to stay alive. Something was pulling me and telling me to kill myself. I cried out for God but all I got back were painful memories. Terrible thoughts flooded my head. I was shaking, screaming, crying, choking, and about to throw up. My depression and anxiety kept bringing a certain image in my mind. Because my heart was in so much pain I might as well stab it until I died. To fight that urge took strength that wasn't for me. It felt like there were so many thoughts running through my head that my head would implode and my heart would explode. This was the most painful panic attack yet. By the grace of God I got through it... but it wasn't over.

After waking up from a 3 hour nap I check my phone to see my ex yelling at me. This was the LAST thing I needed. The devil works in the most awful ways. He knew I was at my weakest and he knew exactly what would set me over the edge to kill myself. We got in argument... actually it was one sided. As I poured my heart out to him he refused to answer and I would get a short text here and there. After it was all said and done. I was labeled the crazy ex. I freaked him out and he made that perfectly clear. I hated myself. I was just some little pathetic freshman who is a loser with depression. No wonder he has moved on to another girl and wants nothing to do with me. I was so embarrassed I couldn't live with myself.

 So, at 1:30 a.m. I went down into the kitchen grabbed a knife and went over to the kitchen sink. I was ready to go. As I put the knife to my leg I couldn't do it. My body literally wouldn't let me! Then I went to any pills I could find. Once again my body wouldn't let me. Then I find out today my consoler had a bad feeling so she got on her knees and prayed throughout the night to keep me safe. I knew I had angels surrounding me. God wouldn't let me kill myself because I still had so much to live for. His glorious plans for me aren't completed yet and it's not my time to go.

Well  I woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus. Having a panic attack for 12 hours and trying to kill yourself is exhausting, not to mention I cried myself to sleep. Going to therapy I knew God was with me in that room. I told her everything and I learned and realized so much. I know my ex cares about me but all of this is way too much for him and he's scared. He doesn't know how to deal with it so he just ignores it. He doesn't think I'm a freak... well maybe he does... but the point is he just can't handle me which is understandable. I felt a little better but I still had my father to deal with.

When I have these attacks it's something very dark from my past trying to get out. A memory trying to escape. I shake and choke because that's my body's way of distracting my mind and pushing that dark past down. Well today I uncovered a lot of sickening things my dad did to me. Let's just say I was violated and treated with 0 respect. There was no love there at all. It was painful to remember but know that it's out and I remember I am in a safe place I feel better. Everyday I am getting stronger. I am learning so much. I ran to my ex last night like a little terrified girl looking for shelter, for protection. My mistake was running to him when I should have ran to God.

He is such a cool guy. I love him more then I will every love anyone or anything else. I turned my back on him for a week and felt the pain. Even when I turned my back on Him, He didn't leave me. He was with me last night and kept my alive and stopped me from cutting. I am suffering for a reason. God gives the bloodiest battles to His strongest solders. I am not a pathetic, little freshman who is a loser. I am a child of God who is so strong because He lives within me. If you have depression, anxiety, bipolar, or any mental disease. If you have been abused or gone through unspeakable things but you are still living consider yourself, for lack of a better word, a bad ass. Welcome to the club where we stand loud and proud.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Still Chasing After that One Guy

Maybe if he likes me I will feel better about myself. I won't feel like a worthless loser. This is all that runs through my mind. I have never had a man in my life who has shown me they actually love and care about me. My father would leave me all alone to go out and get drunk. My brother knew what was going on but acted like I was invisible. This need for love got bigger and bigger every time my dad called me a name or chased me around.

Then I found a guy who actually cared. Who actually loved me... so I thought. Things got ugly and I went crazy ex-girlfriend. This was the one guy who made me feel worth something. Who I loved with all of my heart. Who would hold me and everything in the world seem alright. I lost that and it terrified me. I poured my heart out to him. He knew every detail of my life. He knew my depression was getting worse but he left me. He completely left my life. Another guy doesn't care. I would text him, crying, telling him I needed him. He has already moved on to another girl and here's little pathetic me still crying myself to sleep. I see him and he acts as if I am not even there.... just like my dad and brother. I surely thought something was wrong with me. Maybe my dad was right. Maybe I am just a bitch. Who could love a bitch? Who could love a girl whose father violated her? Why would anyone love that?

I have been struggling. Some days are good but then I see his smiling face and my heart breaks. I think almost every girl can relate to feeling like she needs a guy. I didn't use to be this way. Why isn't God enough for me? How selfish am I to run after someone who could care less whether I live or die when God sent his only son to die for me. I am trying so hard to move on. I need to be okay with being alone.

I know God's love for me is pure and perfect. I know that no guy will ever love me like God will. I just need to start believing it and living it out. Ladies, life is a roller coaster but God is constant. I ran away from him thinking I would feel better with a guy. It back fired and I actually feel worse. I am single so I can devote my whole heart to God. I remember how whole I felt with Him... I miss that. I turned my back on God and payed the price. I went through brutal pain and still do. Luckily, God is a loving God and He will accept me back with open arms. I am done relying on my ex to make me happy. I miss him like crazy but I know God has someone different picked out for me and I will just patiently wait for him. In the mean time I will give me heart over to God where it rightly belongs.


Saturday, April 20, 2013

My Testimony, The Truth Behind The Smile

I have been hurt too many times to count. I have been beaten down. I have been hospitalized. I have had my heart broken an endless amount. I have wanted to die but kept pushing. This is my story.

I grew up knowing who God was but not really knowing Him personally or even wanting to. I had what looked like the picture perfect life. I had two parents, a brother, and a beautiful house. To everyone we looked like the perfect family but that couldn't be farther from the truth. At the age of 11 I thought my life had been nothing but perfect. I was couldn't be more wrong. I blocked out every bad thing that happened to me because remembering was too painful.

My childhood consisted of unspeakable things. Memories that still haunt me. When my parents divorced reality hit hard. My fantasy world came crashing down and I finally 'woke up' to realize my family was breaking. The divorce process was all a blur. Let's just say there are things that no one knows that I won't talk about due to fear. My father, who seemed like a super hero at the time, "saved" me from me cheating, drug addict mom. My relationship with my father was built on lies. He lied and  created a false image of my mom to make my brother and I hate her. It worked. My best friend was gone in the blink of an eye. How is this possible? Let's just say my father has a way with words.

When the divorce process was done I went to live with my brother and father. I had 0 contact with my mom and was trying to figure out how my best friend could do all these terrible things my father said she did. Every night I would cry my self to sleep in an empty house. A little 13 year old taking care of herself, dying on the inside, while everyone turned the other cheek. No one came to my rescue. My father would come home drunk and chase my around the house. I liked it better when he came home at 4 am. My brother would escape and never come home. I needed my mom.

Every attempt I tried to see my mom another lie created by my father would bring us further apart. Slowly we got closer. The more time I spent away from my father the more my eyes were opened to the truth. My super hero dad wasn't so super after all. He had a personality disorder called narcissism. This meant he was incapable of loving anyone but himself. He was also physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. I was a little girl put through war, by the grace of God made it out, but left with scars I am still dealing with.

Now that you know the background story I will tell you how my life changed forever last summer. My angel, or best friend, wanted me to go to some camp called Younglife. It was a camp about God. I couldn't be more against it. I knew there was a God but I was sure mad at him. He let me go through hell. Why should I pray to him!? Well I felt something pulling me to go. I went and had the best week of my life where I met life long friends and found Christ. I always wanted to be know. I always wanted someone to know everything about me. But I also wanted someone to love me. No one in their right mind would know my dark past and still love me. Jesus knew my dark past and flaws yet loved me with all of His heart.

When I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and wanted to be in a relationship with Him my life forever changed. I was soon after diagnosed with Depression, Panic Disorder, Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome, and Anexity. The effects of the divorce, my father, and childhood, and father finally came out. But through this downward spiral I wasn't alone. Because of all of my dieases and bad memories I got closer to God. Without Him I would have killed myself in the first month of depression. I wouldn't be writing this blog and you wouldn't have been reading it. Things weren't perfect but I was getting stronger. I would go through terrible, unspeakable panic attacks were I would shake, convulse, and choke. God always pulled me through. The attacks have lessened and I have worked through most of the trama. My father and I no longer speak which is for the best. My brother and I are strangers but I pray for him every day he will find God and experience what I experienced.

You know with depression and not knowing God I don't blame anyone for committing suicide. Your life seems so difficult and seems to have no purpose. Because I have God I know my suffering has a purpose. It's half the reason you're reading this. I also know this pain won't last forever. Sometime in the future I was in Heaven with the love of my life. My story still isn't done though. I am so glad my suicidal attempt failed. God wouldn't let me die because He isn't done working through me. I dream of moving to New York, being on Broadway for  a couple of years, then opening my own organization to help depressed teenagers find God and have hope. I thank God every day for my story because it has made me the person I am today. I still have a long way to go but I know God is on my side.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Exhausted and Worn Down

One day I am on top of the world and I can't stop smiling. Those are the days when I am stronger then the depression. Today has not been one of those days. I woke up just feeling awful. Anyone without depression doesn't get it, which isn't their fault. But if you have it you what it feel like to be in pain the entire day. All I wanted to do in school today was just sit down wherever I was and started balling. I wanted to cut the entire day but thankful God granted me the strength not to.

I am walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Going to therapy twice a week is needed but it's exhausting. Having nightmares about my father are exhausting. But most of all fighting to be happy all the time is exhausting. I am God's child so I try to be a light and have a smile on my face but this depression is strong. I don't want to show people how I am feeling on the inside but it's hard to hide. I feel like I am in hell. All I can do is hold on hope. That is what pulls me through these  terrible day... and lots of chocolate. If you are having one of these days or it has been on of these weeks just hold on to the hope that Jesus is with you every step of the way. Think of the pure bliss of Heaven where depression doesn't exist. That's what is pulling me through.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Tears into Triumph

I was shown every night I meant nothing. That I was worthless and unlovable. I would watch my dad leave every after noon knowing I would fall asleep alone in a empty. Knowing I would have to wake a a hungover father just to take his daughter to school. My brother was never home. No one knew what was going on. I was forced to be the wife of the house and take care of everyone but no one was taking care of me. It was pure hell and I felt like no one in the world cared. No one asked how I was or showed me they loved me. I was just some depressed freak.

Now that I am out of that environment I have to work through the past. I am blessed to be living in home with a loving mother. Now it's my time to live through nightmares and memories I have blocked out. Answer question like why my father did those terrible things. Why no one came to my rescue. Honestly, this past month has been hell. The night mares are reoccurring. I was focusing on three men who could care less about me and it broke my heart. Then I got some needed tough love from my angel, aka best friend. I was letting all those hurtful men have power over me. Why wasn't God's love enough? Why did I need my ex's approval to feel better?

I felt like God was so far away and I couldn't have been more wrong. God was flooding my life with people who genuinely love and care about me. All the warms hugs and unexpected sweet texts got me through this month. Thank you to everyone who supports me. I have gotten close to some amazing people and I am so grateful. I was letting my depression become my identity. I was letting myself drown when God was giving me the power to swim to the top. I am done letting my past, these unloving men, and my disease define me. I find identity in Jesus Christ my Lord & Savior. He is such a cool, loving, chill guy who is my best friend. I am God's child. I am His child who He took time to personally shape my in my mother's womb. Whose loving thoughts about out number the grains of sand on this earth. I will be His light and bring hope to others. Screw depression. Screw anxiety. Screw my past. Screw insecurities. My ex wants nothing to do with me and has turned his back on me. Okay it's finally time to move on. I loved him and we spent an amazing 7 months together but God has different plans for me. I am ready to take on whatever He gives me with a positive attitude!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Classic Girl Needs Boy

Im 15 and I am terrified. I am scared of my dad. I am scared of my feelings. Most of all, I am scared to be alone with my thoughts. I ran to you like a lost puppy looking for love and you kicked me down. Girls can relate to the feeling of being rejected. It's one of the worst feelings. You try so hard and love that boy so much and you get ignored in return. These weekend has felt like a full month. It's been long, hard, and painful. I have learned so much though and I am stronger because of it.

Every girl runs to a boy to fill this void in her heart or to forget about all her problems. It doesn't work and I found out the hard and painful way. I felt worthless. On top of my ex turning his back on me when I needed him the most my father could care less. I ran to him because my father didn't love me and I just wanted a guy to tell me I was beautiful and he loved me. I think every girl can relate to wanting that. I should have never done that. I ended up hurting him, ruining our relationship forever, and having a broken heart. But he doesn't care... why should I need him. Being single is actually a blessing. It took me a while to figure that out. How could someone who knows everything I am going through, knows my father abused me in more ways then one, knows every man in my life doesn't care, and spent 7 months with me not give a shit about whether I live or die. Whether I smile or cry. It hurt to think about but God is proving to me I can't rely on people.

Those nights you cry yourself to sleep because he doesn't see the beautiful girl standing in front of him think of God. He is literally holding you and crying with you. I felt completely distant from God and thought He left me but He never did. My proof is that I didn't commit suicide. Recently this story has been pulling me though.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson

Suicidal Teenager Pt. 2

All I want is someone to care. That's it. My dad left me every night to go out and get drunk. My brother knew what was happening but acted like everything was okay. No one give a shit about me in that house. It was just me alone wondering what's wrong with me. Wondering why no one wanted to be with me. I thought I was a freak and a terrible daughter & sister. I felt like no one in the world cared. Then my ex-boyfriend came into my life. Finally, in the first time in my life I felt loved by a man. I felt safe and cared for. I thought it was too good to be true. I got scared, pushed him away, and broke up with him. Alone I was again.

I couldn't take it I needed someone. I tried to fill the void of love with my ex. Instead of making it better I actually felt worse. Now instead of two guys not caring there were now three. I needed him and cried out to him and he turned his back. Last night was hell. It was a smack in the face that running to guys isn't going to make me feel better. My dad, brother, and ex knew what I was going through. Knew I went to the hospital for trying to commit suicide and still didn't care. 

I woke up this morning feeling awful and like I could break at any moment. I am so angry at God. You caused all of this, the least you could do is allow me to feel your presence, but no. It's little Kaitlin all alone against her dark past and abusive father. The entire day I felt like jumping in front of a car. No wonder they don't care about me or want to talk to me. I am too much for them and I'm an embarrassment. Who wants to be associated with a suicidal girl? That all changed when I read "What on Earth Am I Here For?" this afternoon. I was pissed because God felt a million miles away but I learned so much from reading.

God was tired of me praying for Him to send a guy into my life who can love me or having my ex actually love and care. I didn't even realize I was hurting Gods feelings. His love isn't enough? I was mad my prayers weren't being answered but that's because that's not what God wants for me. It's obvious my ex wants NOTHING to do with me and maybe that's for a reason. I realized God wants me to be on my own and strong. I need to fall in love with God because I fall in love with some immature boy. So that part made sense but I will still confused.

Do you ever feel like you are completely alone. I am a brat. I have so many people texting/tweeting me saying they love me and they care for me yet I feel alone. It's because I am focusing only on who doesn't care. I need God. I will die without him because it feels as if no one loves me. I read that God last night was testing my faith. I didn't feel His presence yet He was still there. I felt like He too turned His back on me just like everyone else but He didn't. I didn't kill myself because God was watching over me and wouldn't allow me too. 

I am going through a time where I feel distant from God but I will hold on hope. Hope hope hope. That is what I live by. I know God is with me but I just can't feel Him. All of this suffering is for a purpose. Think about this. When you and another person go through a tragedy together don't feel closer to that person. That's what God is doing with me. We are going through this together. I have been a christian for about 9 months. God wants to grow closer with me and have my faith grow so He is testing me. He is pulling away and making it my turn to pull closer. I trust Him and I will never stop pushing.



Saturday, April 13, 2013

Suicidal Teenager

Tonight has been pure hell and I know the only reason I am alive writing this is by the grace of God. I was ready to end it. The people I care most about could care less about me. I don't know what I did to have them turn their backs to me. I try so hard to be perfect. I tried to be the perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect sister. No matter what it isn't enough. I needed you and you turned your back on me. At that I just wanted to die. I am just some crazy girl who no one wants to deal with. I am not the perfect daughter, girlfriend, or sister. No, I am the crazy daughter, girlfriend, and sister. I am an embarrassment that everyone runs away from. The pain was too big to bear and I was going to end it. Like I said I wouldn't be typing this if it wasn't for God.

He talked to me and got me to a place where I was about to stab myself or overdose. First off, this place on Earth that I call "home" is only temporary. My real home is in Heaven with God. God told me He would never give me what I couldn't handle. When I felt like breaking and committing suicide I cried out to God and just as He promised He swooped up and took the weight of the world off my shoulders for a while. So maybe the people who I love the most don't love me back.

I need to stop focusing on what I don't have and focus on what I do have. But, that doesn't mean I still can't be sad and feel alone. Sometimes I even feel worthless. My own dad used me in so many ways. Made me feel wrong, worthless, unloved, uncared for, and gross. He never loved me. Some of my family chose to sit by and watch. Then you came into my life and I fell in love. Someone finally cared. Then you turned you back on me out of embarrassment and broke my heart. I have learned you can't rely on people. Everyone is going to let you down. I couldn't even cry to my mom because I needed to give her a break. So when I was a great daughter to my dad he yelled  came home drunk, yelled at me, and chased me around the house; however, when I was an awful daughter to my mom she took a leave at her job just to take care of me. She deserves a break.

So it was all me tonight. I reached out to you. I needed you. I was rejected once again and that was it. I was ready to go. God stopped me. I can't even count the number of times I have tried to kill myself and not been able. God stops me every time! He is always there when I need Him and He never leaves. I was saved. Do I feel great? Not at all but I know I have a purpose here. My heart is broken and certain people continue to break it more. I can't handle this.

Life is like a race. I was at a nice steady pace not even breaking a sweat until reality and depression hit me. Then I started to jog.  Well jogging turned into walking. Then walking turned into crawling. Now I have stopped and God is literally dragging me without any of my help. I cannot do anything anymore. I am broken and I will just let God drag me across that finish line. I have all my trust in Him and all my hope in Him. I am still down and in pain though so next time you see me I would really appreciate a hug.

Every Girl Needs Her Man

It's so obvious how important guys are in a girls life. We go our whole lives searching for a guy who can make us feel whole. You can make us feel loved and cared for. In the process, we just get our heart broken.

Well, all the men in my life have let me down, shown me time and time again they don't care, and left me alone with a broken heart. That's all I want is a guy to ask me how I'm doing and actually care about my response. I felt as if I didn't have this. All the men in my life could care less about me and have no love for me. It left me feeling empty and searching.

I feel all alone and have been waking up depressed more and more each morning... but he doesn't care. I feel as if I'm drowning and everyone around me is just watching. I feel alone in a crowded room. I feel all of these things but he still doesn't care. The saddest thing is, he knows what I have been through and how I feel and still acts like I am invisible. All of this is enough to make a girl die inside and give up, but not me. I would be a liar if I said I wasn't sad and I felt whole all the time. I don't and there are a lot of nights where I just cry myself to sleep thinking and them. I would be completely lost if it wasn't for Jesus. He is the main man in my life. I know He cares and loves me. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way but I know He does. I am in so much pain right now but I am going to hold on hope and know Jesus will pull me through.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Weakness into Strength

I used to think the time I was strongest was when I lived with just my dad and my brother a year ago. I was always home alone dealing with an alcoholic. I cleaned and did laundry. I woke up my dad up and had to make my dinner. I ran the house alone. I thought I was so strong and independent. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was weak and dying inside.

I would say I am now at my strongest point although I also feel at my weakest. It may not make any sense but because of my depression I had to learn how to strong real fast or I wouldn't steal be alive. People don't understand suicide. It's almost like it isn't a choice. Your mind, body, and heart tell you to do it. You have to dig so deep and grounded in God to push away those thoughts. Depression is a daily battle of staying alive but if you're still reading this that means you're alive! WhenI was at my weakest I now see it as a blessing. God scooped me up and molded me into the person I am today. I thank Him for depression... not all time. There are times when I cry out," Why me?" but I was given this for a purpose. He knew I was strong enough to handle this. I will go through all of these attacks and suicidal thoughts that way some other little girl in the future doesn't. I will learn the survival skills and share it with that girl.

Life isn't always nice to us, and sometimes it's brutal. It makes us stronger. I am learning so much some good, some bad. I realized that everyone is going to let you down but God never will. As I go through therapy I realize more about my dad and it's sad. He never really loved me. There was a time where he wanted to spend all this time with me, but it wasn't because he wanted to be in my presence and get closer to me. No, it was more about trash talking my mom so I would never talk to her again. He did this to hurt her and to make sure he wouldn't lose me because he is afraid to be alone.

This week has been tough and I do feel like I am drowning but I hope that God will reach out His glorious hand save me at the right time. I will never lose hope. I have come so far. I still have a lot to work through but God is with me every step of the way. No fear, just faith.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Drowning

It has been one of those weeks. Actually let's try one of those months where nothing goes right. Everyday is a battle to stay alive and go about my day. Honestly, every single minute of the day I feel like breaking down and crying. I try to give it all up to God but obviously I'm not doing something right because I still feel like weight of the world is on my shoulders.

The only reason I haven't gone into the kind of depression where there is no return or killed myself is because I haven't lost hope. Yes, I did have 5 panic attacks. I do miss my ex like crazy. I do think about my dad every day and my heart breaks over all that he's done but I am still fighting. I know God will pull me through and put a huge smile on my face. Obviously I would love this "search and rescue mission" to speed up, butI know God's timing is perfect. Every day I remind myself  a couple of things:
-God is with me every step of the way
-the a purpose for all of my suffering
-Earth is my temporary home. I won't be here forever and when I leave I will go to Heaven where everything is perfect and I can actually hug God and look at him while he says, "I love you".

God never gives anyone what they can't handle. He must think I am a very strong girl because He has handed me a lot. I don't feel strong but I believe I am because God says so. I truly believe anyone can make it out of anything with God's help. Jesus beat death and He is on my side! That always makes me feel invincible. So yes, I am in so much pain but I won't stop pushing. God has put amazing people in my life to keep me going. To anyone who supports me words can't describe how grateful I am. God is good and this storm will pass. You can't have a rainbow without a little rain.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Classic Girl Misses Boy

I miss my ex so badly. The way we would laugh together as if there wasn't a care in the world. And when he hugged me I felt like no evil could touch me. You know to be honest I feel so unloved sometimes. I am not going to sit here and act like I am the perfect Christian because I am not. I am in a relationship with God yet I act like His love isn't enough. It's so wrong but I can't seem to stop doing it.

I have blessed with amazing people in my life who love and care about me. God's love shines through them. Instead of looking at that I look at the love I don't have. I look at my ex and feel like he doesn't care or I was so easy to get over. I feel like I was not good enough. I loved him but that wasn't the only reason I clang to him so tightly. In all honesty I never felt loved by my father. I felt he chose alcohol over me. How can you feel loved when someone is calling a bitch or leaving home alone to take care of yourself. When I met my boyfriend it was the first time I felt loved. He was my everything and honestly I am still working on getting over him.

Then a month later I met God. I learned there was this huge hole or void in my heart that I tried to fill with my dad's acceptance. Then I tried filling it with my boyfriend's love. It worked for a while but then the empty feeling came back. Things ended up going south and I lost my best friend. When we broke up I went crazy ex girlfriend and wanted so badly to be back in his arms and have him call me his girlfriend. Letting God fill that void is the harder way, but in the end it's the best and only way. There are still days where I feel unloved and I cry over missing him. Those are the days I forget God loves me. It is really hard to remain single, not go back to him, and try to be independent but I know that's what God wants for me. I need to learn to love myself, love God, and allow Him to fill that void. Once I do that I know God will send the perfect man into my life; and instead of him becoming the center of my life, he will actually help my relationship with God because I won't depend on him.

Do I still miss the memories, the hugs, the laughs? Of course! He is such a great guy and will make some girl very happy. I yearned to be loved. My own father doesn't love. I need it. I walk around feeling empty. I am working so hard to get closer to God. I remind myself everyday that God, the creator of the universe, king of kings, and the salt of the earth, loves ME! Me, who laughs like a hyena, who makes the ugliest faces, who weighs more then the average girl, who constant sins, and who isn't perfect. Everyday I will remind myself that.

An Angel Was Born

Today marks the university of an angel being born. She came into my life five years ago and has changed it forever. I thank God everyday for her. She showed me Christ and has saved me. Words can't express how much I love her. She is not only my best friend but she has become family. Through every attack and all the tears she has stood by my side. She is my 2am call when I'm down. Because of her I keep I am not hopeless and feel loved. I know God puts us together for a reason. She will grow up to do amazing things. Heck, she already has. She has touched my life in a way that I will never be able to describe. She is a light and shines so bright that people have to notice. God works through her in beautiful ways. Her laugh can't help but bring a smile to everyone's face. Her heart is big and beautiful. I don't know where I would be without her. Whoever meets her is blessed and can't help but be touched by her kindness and love. God radiates through her. She will forever be my best friend. It is an understatement to say she is special. I can't wait to see what God has in store for her.

I love you and hope you have an amazing birthday. Thank you for honestly everything. This post doesn't even do justice or describe how much you've helped me or how much you mean to me.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Each Day is Filled With Miracles

Yesterday was brutal. Honestly the sinner in me thought I was going to make it through. I thought either I was going to kill myself or the panic attack I was having would lead me to choke to death. Honestly I was broken and down on the ground. God was dragging me along and He never let go. It was a miracle I remained alive. Here's an idea of what I went through: I start to loose my breath and hyperventilate. My body shakes out of control and dark memories fill my head. I feel like my heart is breaking and the weight of the world pins me down. I feel alone and helpless. Even when I feel like God isn't there He pulls me through. There is no way I could have made it through yesterday without Him.

I experienced not one, not two, but three panic attacks yesterday that consisted of crying, heartbreak, and shaking. My two angels sent by God came to my side. My best friend, mom, and God were with me every step of the way. I am so grateful and don't deserve all they have done for me. In times when you feel alone and like no one on this planet can help you is when God is mod powerful. This morning I woke up with a smile on my face because I was still alive.

After taking with God I had a break through. God is a potter and I am His clay. He formed me before He even formed the Earth! Think about that. Before you were in your mother's womb He knew every detail of your life. He knew I would be going through depression, panic disorder, and post tramatic stress syndrome. Instead of being angry because I have all of these "issues" I actually see them as blessings. Every time I go through an attack I am stronger. Without my mental illness you wouldn't be reading this blog and I wouldn't have found God. I don't understand why my pain is so serve but I trust God has a plan and a purpose for all of it. Today I am giving everything(my worries, memories, and pain) up to Him. I will enjoy today carefree, knowing the creator of the universe who beat death has everything under control. I will experience everything He has planned for me today with a smile on my face. God is good.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Surrounded By Love

Honestly I have gone through my whole life feeling unloved. My dad wasn't ever really there and that killed me inside. I felt like he never really loved which caused me to feel worthless and unloved. That feeling disappeared Spring Break of 2013.

I spent my past week rehearsing for Les Miz from 9-5 everyday. Sounds awful but it was actually amazing. At the end of the day today we all broke out in tears. We had created a family. My family was lacking to say the least and God showed me that family doesn't have to be "blood". Feeling everyone's hug was just so special. You can find love anywhere. God gives you certain people in our lives for a reason.  I have met and gotten close to a few people in my cast that have changed everything for me. They are such a support and I love them so much. Also, my other "family" includes my best friend, a group of girls from school, my vocal teacher, the amazing people at Younglife, and my consoler. My mom is an angel sent from God and tries her hardest but they are still days where I miss my dad, brother, and just wishing I had my old family back. Thank you to everyone who has supported me! God truly is love.