I miss my ex so badly. The way we would laugh together as if there wasn't a care in the world. And when he hugged me I felt like no evil could touch me. You know to be honest I feel so unloved sometimes. I am not going to sit here and act like I am the perfect Christian because I am not. I am in a relationship with God yet I act like His love isn't enough. It's so wrong but I can't seem to stop doing it.
I have blessed with amazing people in my life who love and care about me. God's love shines through them. Instead of looking at that I look at the love I don't have. I look at my ex and feel like he doesn't care or I was so easy to get over. I feel like I was not good enough. I loved him but that wasn't the only reason I clang to him so tightly. In all honesty I never felt loved by my father. I felt he chose alcohol over me. How can you feel loved when someone is calling a bitch or leaving home alone to take care of yourself. When I met my boyfriend it was the first time I felt loved. He was my everything and honestly I am still working on getting over him.
Then a month later I met God. I learned there was this huge hole or void in my heart that I tried to fill with my dad's acceptance. Then I tried filling it with my boyfriend's love. It worked for a while but then the empty feeling came back. Things ended up going south and I lost my best friend. When we broke up I went crazy ex girlfriend and wanted so badly to be back in his arms and have him call me his girlfriend. Letting God fill that void is the harder way, but in the end it's the best and only way. There are still days where I feel unloved and I cry over missing him. Those are the days I forget God loves me. It is really hard to remain single, not go back to him, and try to be independent but I know that's what God wants for me. I need to learn to love myself, love God, and allow Him to fill that void. Once I do that I know God will send the perfect man into my life; and instead of him becoming the center of my life, he will actually help my relationship with God because I won't depend on him.
Do I still miss the memories, the hugs, the laughs? Of course! He is such a great guy and will make some girl very happy. I yearned to be loved. My own father doesn't love. I need it. I walk around feeling empty. I am working so hard to get closer to God. I remind myself everyday that God, the creator of the universe, king of kings, and the salt of the earth, loves ME! Me, who laughs like a hyena, who makes the ugliest faces, who weighs more then the average girl, who constant sins, and who isn't perfect. Everyday I will remind myself that.