The past is painful. Being abused, in any way, is not only physical but emotionally scaring. I would lie if I said I wasn't terrified of my dad. I actually had a dream last night where I woke up and he was standing over my bed with this look in his eye. This look was all too familiar. It's the look of pure anger and haltered. I went through a time where I felt dirty, guilty, unloved, like a freak, and crazy because of the abuse. I felt like it was my fault. What guy would ever love a girl who has been sexually abused by her father? If my own father doesn't love me.... then who will.
The more time I spent with God the more these thoughts lessened. I learned on of the most important lessons. Your past doesn't define you. I am not Kaitlin the girl with depression, anxiety, and has been verbally, emotionally, and sexually abused. That's not me! My past doesn't define. No way in hell does it! I am Kaitlin... daughter of God, chosen by Him, and loved by Him. I am done letting this world and people's sins define me. I will overcome what has happened to me and be stronger because of it.
Being so venerable and making your entire life an open book to the world is scary. I don't do it for people to feel bad for me. I do it to show that if I can get through all of this, so can you. I want people to see despite all that has happened I can still smile because I have God in my life. Most importantly I want everyone to know I am here for them and there's hope.
First things first. Whether you were abused, cheated on, unloved by your family, or abounded it's not your fault. You are so beautiful. You are God's precious daughter who He loves so deeply and sees you as an amazing creation. Even before this Earth was created He thought of YOU. Growing up is hard in this corrupt world. People are lost and sick in the head. If you have read my previous blogs you know how much I have been through. How no one ever payed attention to me. How I was constantly called names and abused as my mother sat by terrified to speak up. My father neglect me and left me to go get drunk. All of these events can make you think you're the problem. When I used to cut I thought I deserved the pain. Well now I am 3 weeks clean and I smile when I look into the mirror. I don't see my past, my non perfect body, the zits on my face but rather a beautiful heart that is loved by a King and a bright future.
I will overcome all of this. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. This has opened my eyes and made me the strong, independent young women I am today.