Last night and today are days I will never forget. I have been put through hell. My panic attack started at 2 p.m. I started out by feeling alone and unloved, but then it escalated quickly. This was like unnatural how upset I got. Something came over me. I was having an internal battle to stay alive. Something was pulling me and telling me to kill myself. I cried out for God but all I got back were painful memories. Terrible thoughts flooded my head. I was shaking, screaming, crying, choking, and about to throw up. My depression and anxiety kept bringing a certain image in my mind. Because my heart was in so much pain I might as well stab it until I died. To fight that urge took strength that wasn't for me. It felt like there were so many thoughts running through my head that my head would implode and my heart would explode. This was the most painful panic attack yet. By the grace of God I got through it... but it wasn't over.
After waking up from a 3 hour nap I check my phone to see my ex yelling at me. This was the LAST thing I needed. The devil works in the most awful ways. He knew I was at my weakest and he knew exactly what would set me over the edge to kill myself. We got in argument... actually it was one sided. As I poured my heart out to him he refused to answer and I would get a short text here and there. After it was all said and done. I was labeled the crazy ex. I freaked him out and he made that perfectly clear. I hated myself. I was just some little pathetic freshman who is a loser with depression. No wonder he has moved on to another girl and wants nothing to do with me. I was so embarrassed I couldn't live with myself.
So, at 1:30 a.m. I went down into the kitchen grabbed a knife and went over to the kitchen sink. I was ready to go. As I put the knife to my leg I couldn't do it. My body literally wouldn't let me! Then I went to any pills I could find. Once again my body wouldn't let me. Then I find out today my consoler had a bad feeling so she got on her knees and prayed throughout the night to keep me safe. I knew I had angels surrounding me. God wouldn't let me kill myself because I still had so much to live for. His glorious plans for me aren't completed yet and it's not my time to go.
Well I woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus. Having a panic attack for 12 hours and trying to kill yourself is exhausting, not to mention I cried myself to sleep. Going to therapy I knew God was with me in that room. I told her everything and I learned and realized so much. I know my ex cares about me but all of this is way too much for him and he's scared. He doesn't know how to deal with it so he just ignores it. He doesn't think I'm a freak... well maybe he does... but the point is he just can't handle me which is understandable. I felt a little better but I still had my father to deal with.
When I have these attacks it's something very dark from my past trying to get out. A memory trying to escape. I shake and choke because that's my body's way of distracting my mind and pushing that dark past down. Well today I uncovered a lot of sickening things my dad did to me. Let's just say I was violated and treated with 0 respect. There was no love there at all. It was painful to remember but know that it's out and I remember I am in a safe place I feel better. Everyday I am getting stronger. I am learning so much. I ran to my ex last night like a little terrified girl looking for shelter, for protection. My mistake was running to him when I should have ran to God.
He is such a cool guy. I love him more then I will every love anyone or anything else. I turned my back on him for a week and felt the pain. Even when I turned my back on Him, He didn't leave me. He was with me last night and kept my alive and stopped me from cutting. I am suffering for a reason. God gives the bloodiest battles to His strongest solders. I am not a pathetic, little freshman who is a loser. I am a child of God who is so strong because He lives within me. If you have depression, anxiety, bipolar, or any mental disease. If you have been abused or gone through unspeakable things but you are still living consider yourself, for lack of a better word, a bad ass. Welcome to the club where we stand loud and proud.