Every day I woke up in excruciating pain. I have been through a wildness for over a year that no one will ever understand. We all have our own stores and heart breaks. This is mine.
My joinery through the wilderness has included heartbreak, rejection, pain, suffering, and loneliness. The loneliness that a girl feels when she doesn't have a father is like a pain of no other. I have been called clingy, needy, and crazy. Well when you've been abused for all of your life by the man every girl is suppose to look up to have can you not be needy? You have never experienced a man's love. It makes me sick when people judge others without understanding their situation.
I have been through it all. I have hit rock bottom more then once. Sadly, I am at rock bottom once again. The only prayer I can say is, "God I am so broken. Please don't let go of me despite my feelings towards you." Every time I think of a dad I think of a dad and his daughter tossing a baseball back and forth. You know I've never been daddy's little girl. Then I found God. My faith journey hasn't been perfect. There has been ups and downs and currently I am experiencing a down. I won't give up on God but I'm so hurt and confused. I know through my wilderness God is teaching me life long lessons. One lessons has come through suffering and crying myself to sleep.
In the midst of all of the craziness with my father I thought I found a prince charming. A guy can actually be nice.... and care about me. This what so new and one of the best feelings. Any girl who doesn't have a father knows there's a huge void of needed to be loved. That was being filled for a while. Sometimes I wish we had never crossed paths, but I know God put him in my life.
So I will give you a girl who has been through abuse and fatherless.. I will give you her point of view on a classic high school heart break. Now this poor kid had no idea what he was getting himself into when he met me. I wish I could go back to the moment we met and tell him to run for the hills but he didn't. This was not a normal high school relationship. This meant so much more to this girl. She had never felt protected and always was scared, but when he held her she felt like nothing in the world could hurt her. Just as things were amazing she thought it was too good to be true. If every guy in her life hurt her then why wouldn't her boyfriend.
Ended out of fear was one of her biggest mistakes. 4 months later she still cries herself to sleep. I know it seems pathetic, and maybe it is, but realizing how much your father hates you eats you alive. All you want is for that one person to care about you. The worst was letting him in completely and trusting him. To tell him everything about you, things you have never ever told anyone before. Like I said, poor kid. Like any normal boy he moved on to another girl. If I was a normal teenager and had a great childhood I would have moved on as well. Not the case. It's fair to say I got my father and my ex mixed together. I took all my anger out on him because I knew he wouldn't hit me in return.
Those stupid, long paragraphs texts. I wish I could take everyone back. He deserved to be happy. No one should have to deal with me. All I wanted was him to understand. One of the best feelings is to have someone know everything about you, yet still love you. It obvious the men in my life as missing in action. It is going to be so hard but I will work so hard to move on. I need to get independent. See every time things got really bad with my family or depression I ran to him hoping he could fix it. It's not possible a high school boy would know what to say. I apologize for everything.
I will not give into the temptation of texting him and letting him be. I will work on getting better with my relationship with God. Being the crazy ex girlfriend sucks, but I know I will look back on this and laugh. There will still be nights when I think of the awful things my father did but instead of turning to my phone I will pray. Being hurt by someone you love with all of your heart is the worst feeling.