Well you have read it all. You have taken this journey with me and for that I thank you. I thank everyone who is supporting me. It was started with a girl coming from what she thought was a normal family. That 12 year old girl started to open her eyes and see what's really going. The second she moved out of that man of my mother was married to's house that when reality hit hard. I was diagnosed with depression. I went through these unexplainable "attacks". We later found out they were panic attacks and their severity was due to my father's abuse which I didn't realize I was even a victim. I still thought my father was super dad. Now I know that couldn't be further from the truth.
The attacks increased, the demonds came with a depression, and the suicidal thoughts came out. I was hospitalized and thought I hit rock bottom... not the case. Then I was diagnosed with not only depression but aniexty, post traumatic stress syndrome, and panic disorder. After a short amount of time I realized I was physically abused, emotionally abused, and verbally abuse. Meanwhile I was struggling to have some type of relationship with my father. This journey has all been one big storm. I am finally at the peak of it when I found out I was sexually abused from my memory coming back. Now I am currently confused, exhausted, scared, angry and most of all I feel dirty. It's hard to call this person my father.
If I didn't have God in my life I know for a fact I would be a mess or dead. I would be a drug addict, partying non stop, drinking my life away, or sleeping around. Instead I am a survivor and a child of The Lord. Now the pain is still there. Now ever since I was a child no one payed attention to me. Everyone was walking on egg shells trying to please my father and try not to anger him. No one cared. I was alone and went on autopilot until I was 14 and moved out of my father's house and found God. See my father never loved me. He only saw me as a sex object. Not a 5 year old innocent girl who was his daughter. I was and I still am nothing to him.
I could let that fact eat me alive but I know I have a heavenly father who loves me dearly and perfectly. To have your own father take advantage of you like that.... I went through my whole life feeling like a dirty freak. Even though I was numb to all the pain because it's so intense I know I am veering to the end of the storm and I am a stronger Christian because of it. I tired to sit down and write how my past and abuse made me feel but I felt nothing. I am seeing this as a sign from God to rest. For the next two weeks I will not give the monster any power over me. I will live me life serving God and try my best not to cry over that scum and his terrible sins toward me. I have the control now and I chose to live my life the way God intended it to be.