As I am watching 'Rent'(for those who don't know what this is it's my ma and I's favorite broadway show made into a movie) sitting next to my mom I begin to cry. I know from Go, that will be me soon. When I graduate I will go to NYU, get on broadway, then open up an organization for depressed and abused teenagers.
This has been a crazy, emotionally draining, long, exhausting, painful, eye opening experience, but I wouldn't change one single thing. All of this has made me the women I am today because of God and all the angels He has put in my life. I want to thank the followers of God and I's blog. You've been apart of this journey as well and seen it all unfold. I am not to the end of my joinery. Life is a journey not a destination. It gets really scary at times but not if you have God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit on your side. Once you've accepted them you're invisible. I am living proof of this. What my father did.... it's truly mind bottling. It breaks my heart, slaps me in the face, keeps me up at night, causes suicidal thoughts but not any more. I won't give that small guy any more power over me. I thought when I finally remembered what he did.. I thought I would go into a deep depression. I have already been there and it's not a place I want to visit but I didn't. I finally how "thrown up" all the toxic sins in my body from Mr. Kwiatkowski. Now I am slowly becoming free. I am not over it yet but I see light at the end of the tunnel. You best believe the ending is always the hardest. Things will get messy and more feelings will come up, but never again will I cut or be suicidal. I can say proudly and with a smile on my face I am 13 days clean from cutting.
Being sexually abused, verbally abused, emotionally abused, or physical abused is painful in more ways then one. It brings the what seems like infinite darkness into your life. You feel like it's your fault. You feel as if you deserved it. You feel wrong, guilty, worthless, unloved, and uncared for. All these thoughts ran through my head. I felt like no one would love me so I decided not to eat and attempt to be anorexic. It worked sadly. I would count every calories. I would eat something then spit it out. It was the only thing I felt I had control over. Then I was in a relationship and was insecure. I was attached to him until May 8, 2013. My life is getting on the right track. Just like you I had no hope but then God reached His hand out to me. The life or death choice is "Will you take it?"
Know this, it isn't your fault. Whoever was abusing is sick in the head and doesn't know how to love. How could I go on and face people when my one father didn't love me. Hell, now he hates me. Does it hurt? A little but I am loved by God, the King of kings, the Savior, the Redeemer, and your true Father who sees you as His princess. You will get through this. Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.