Monday, September 30, 2013

Finally Free From The Past

I can finally and fully say "It is finished." I took some time off blogging because the things I needed to work on were meant to be done in privacy. I grew, then broke, then grew, then broke. For the past few months there has been a war in my mind; an internal struggle which I could not go through alone. Jesus held my hand through the excruciating pain. Sexual abuse is a journey, much like life. Being raped is having someone murder your very being. To put you on a pedestal to be made a mockery. I lost myself and didn't know who I was. My life has been uprooted and thrown into the air. All I had to rely on was myself and Jesus. How can you rely on your strength and your core when you look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back at you? 14 years of abuse, a year of intense therapy, yet I still felt empty. The war in my mind proved to never cease.

Today is a day I will never forgot, and I genuinely mean that. I have felt utterly lost and depressed everyday of this past month. Nothing was making sense. I couldn't think, and the more blank and neutral I became the further I feel into my hole. Sitting in therapy my heart broke. I didn't know what to say because I had no idea what was going on. Why was my heart breaking in half? It was as if I could feel each tenant being ripped. I was hit with flashes of my life. This poor, little defenseless girl was being pinned to the ground and stripped of her purity. She was left home alone for hours. She didn't know love. That little was me; she never got a chance to grow up. As my life literally flashed before my eyes I began to cry. The weight of her grief, pain, and loneliness feel upon me. The 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, and 11 year old in me began to press on my heart. It was as if I was going to implode from all of the pressure and pain I felt. I felt Jesus grabbing each one by the hand and guiding them into Heaven. Finally, they were safe and perfectly loved. The only problem was I couldn't let go.

Who was I without my girls? Who was I without the pain? Without my past I felt like I was empty. I honestly saw Jesus bring my girls to safety, but the 5 year old Kaitlin I couldn't let go. She was so strong and she never knew she was loved. I had to let her know how loved she was. Once I realized she would always be a part of me I loosened my grip. She was a kid on Christmas, and as I released her she sprinted towards her present. She no longer had to suffer , relive her pain, or take care of me. Today I once and for all let go of the pain, hurt, and past. I am right back at the beginning now. See life like I said is a journey and you are never fully done. I am back at the beginning of the circle, but this time I am going with the wisdom of the past.

I was on autopilot for 14 years. Being raped almost everyday I disconnected from life; therefore, if you asked me about my best childhood memory I couldn't tell you. It's all a blur and pain is only remembered. God granted my 5 year old a clear voice. She reminded me just how special she was despite the abuse. At age 5 I got my first kiss, behind the book case in pre-K. I was a fire cracker and didn't take crap from anyone. I was light hearted and found the joy in everything. I was naive in a beautiful way; seeing the good in everyone and always focusing on the positive. I was gorgeous and infected people with my free spirit. That little girl left me with these memories and qualities. This is my core. I was lost but I know who I am, it just took a while to find.

Saying goodbye to the past is scary because that means you're starting something new. The unknown is terrifying, but I can take comfort in Jesus's hand holding mine. I experienced the most special feeling ever on this Earth. Today I went through my personal "cross to bare" or crucifix-cation. Leading up to it nothing made sense. I finally accepted it and allowed myself to break down. I felt my pain overwhelm me. Every square inch of my body felt weighed down, and my heart felt empty. My only option was to push through it. I had to sacrifice the warm, familiar blanket of comfort that was my past. I had to give up my girls. When it was all said and done and I surrendered, I have never felt so light. My past is finally gone. The darkness has been extinguished and like a huge war before a triumph I am tired but victorious. I thank God for this trial for it has made me that much closer to Him. I understand, to some degree, His suffering and I am so appreciative. I realize how hard it was for Him to go through that,but He did because He loves me.

I don't know what the future holds but I know it will be good because it is all in His name. I wouldn't take back a second of what has happened; because, it has all lead up to that moment today. I have never been happier or more light. I feel at one with God. I am Kaitlin, I am 15, and I not only survived sexual abuse but thrived thanks to God. I will continue to blog but not on this one. Considered my new blog a new chapter. It's still in the working progress and soon to come. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.