Thursday, October 24, 2013

Still Not Finsihed



Ding ding. Round 2 has officially began. I have been through 2 years of hell, but it’s not time to give my sigh of release quite yet. Am I done? I thought I had made it through everything but it seems like I haven’t.  My heart is still shattered into a million pieces. Will I rise to the occasion or fall to my knees and break? No one gives you a handbook on how to grow up. They especially don’t have a chapter in this longed for book on how to get over rape. One thing is for certain, I am doing this round on my own. 
I am nothing to my classmates and a pain in the ass to my mom. I thought after 6 months of intense, and by that I mean sleep losing, heart gripping, energy draining therapy, I’d be all better. So did everyone else. To their disappointment I still remain a hot mess. They’re still cuts on my wrist and tears in my eye. The monsters still remain in my head and the pain still resides in my heart. I guess pain has become a bitterly familiar friend. Like a drug addict, I would call this time my relapse. I have gone back into old ways and continue to be visited by the same nightmares. I’m not bionic women like others would believe. I am simply a fifteen year old girl trying to figure it all out. 
In all honesty I would have killed myself tonight if it wasn’t for God. I was looked at like a piece of trash. How can I blame her? I have been nothing but trouble and I hate myself for putting her through all of this pain. I am sorry mom. 
I have heard, “I don’t know how to deal with her anymore, 'It's not my job to get you to stop crying, “Stop crying, 'Don't keep continue to use the raping as an excuse. It’s time to move on, and others words which are branded into my mind. I am trying to move on, honestly. Do you think I like hating myself? I hate that I have become a shell of who I used to be. I hate that my mom is too exhausted by me to deal with me. I hate that I have become work to those I love. The only thing I can take comfort in is this round God is still on my team. As the world has turned their backs on me, He has not. I truly believe something is so very wrong with me. I know I have been a hot mess and it’s time to grow up. I am scared, but most importantly, I am scared of myself and my demonds inside. It just goes to show God’s love. He has seen my every bit. He knows me inside and out. He has seen me at my worst and at my best; however, he still loves me. That is what will pull me through. I am officially alone on this Earth, but I push forward with Him walking hand and hand with me.