Fear, doubt, and the muffled whispers in my head. Insecurities, a nomadic mind that wanders to the deepest and darkest places, and a fear of looking in the mirror. Her reflection showed a girl so afraid and disgusted by her own shadow. She felt unworthy to be in anyone’s presence. If someone was to get close to her she would question their motives, and although they came with care and love in their hearts, she refused to believe it.
I saw myself as a walking vacuum that sucked joy and comfort out of those I encounter. I saw myself as depressed, mentally unstable, dirty, and of lesser value than every one around me. I felt my nature was to ruin and complicate the lives of the braves souls who wanted to be near me. God blessed me with a handful of people who were determined to break through the fortress I built around myself. With each break, I fought back. No one could see the real me; it was protection for them, but in a way I was protecting myself.
You say there’s a light in me. You say you see goodness in my smile. I say you must open your eyes, because clearly you are viewing a persona I have created. You smile with love and light; you won’t give up. So, I begin to open up, and my frail skin is finally exposed to the sun’s warming rays. This happiness is foreign; therefore, it must be a trick. The inevitable is coming, so I might as well have the last laugh. As if someone has flipped a switch, my disposition immediately changes. I don’t want to pull away from you. I want you to love me. I want you to fix me. Please fix me. The dam is broken and my heart spills out in desperate screams. The flood is too much to handle, and my subconscious has won again. I have pushed them out of my life. As they run away, they take with them a precious piece of this broken heart. I don’t know what is harder: building up my fortress or tearing down its walls.
Those self-inflicted labels became my identity. I took pity with me as I crawled through life. However, something truly miraculous happened. When I accepted Jesus into my life, the old me had died.
2 Corinthians 5:16-18New International Version (NIV)
16 So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.
The insecure girl was buried with Christ, and when He rose from the dead, so did my true spirt. I don’t have to feel inadequate anymore. I am now a warrior. I am now God’s princess. I am now a total badass. I have dark times like this bleak night when the creatures whisper in my ear and begin to fill my atmosphere with black smog. I begin to slowly fall back into my old ways, and the bricks begin to stack, but then I feel a light grow inside me. As it swells, the light blows the bricks to pieces. I am Kaitlin who shines without the clouds of her past suffocating her. He never lets me forget that!